The holidays during a pandemic make for an interesting time this year. Used to be, people would joke about surviving the holidays, as families with the usual foibles got together and sometimes wanted to murder each other. This year, with Covid, surviving the holidays has a whole new meaning. The Holidays During a Pandemi
First, there’s the usual pandemonium as people travel home for the holidays. This year you can fly, or you can drive, both of which has changed slightly during Covid. In either case, it’s a good idea to get tested for Covid first, so you don’t inadvertently infect mom, dad, grandma or grandpa. I’m sure they’ll appreciate it. Once you’ve discovered you’re Covid-free, you can be on your way. If you’re infected, have a great holiday alone in quarantine! The Holidays During a Pandemic
If you choose to fly, you are required to wear a mask during the entire trip. This means breathing in one’s own breath and carbon dioxide for several hours. This can be quite disturbing; akin to a terrorist gas attack. The Holidays During a Pandemic
You arrive, enter a crowded airport, and eventually climb into what has fondly become known as a flying Covid tube, where you remain for many hours. This involves entering an environment where everyone, Covid-infected or not, breathes the same air during the flight; thus the mask requirement. In spite of this, there are folks who raise a fuss, refusing to put on a mask. It’s my understanding that this has resulted in some people being thrown off the plane, presumably before takeoff. The Holidays During a Pandemic
Everyone is upset from having to wear a mask, not to mention dizzy from breathing one’s own breath and carbon dioxide for long periods. This would be great if you were a plant (the carbon dioxide part, not the breath), but not so much as a human. Our truly brilliant federal government has also warned that you should not eat, drink or pee while on the airplane, since viruses are mainly eliminated in the urine. I don’t know about anyone else, but as an elderly man, the not peeing part has the potential to make me very uncomfortable. Should a person choose to wear one of those adult diapers, it’s my guess that you would require a HAZMAT team to dispose of it. The Holidays During a Pandemic
If, I mean when, you survive the trip, you pick up your luggage and head to grandma’s house. Once there, you have to immediately take a thorough shower and wash the clothes you wore on the trip. Alternatively, you could just give up and burn the clothes, as well as your now infected luggage. You can always order new clothes on Amazon, which will get them there in two days. Meanwhile, you can wear one of grandma’s towels. The Holidays During a Pandemic
You’ll probably want to wash your hands several hundred times, to remove both the Covid and all the hand sanitizer. Then, you’ll have to soak your hands in moisturizing lotion for an hour or so to keep the dry skin from falling off. After going through all of this, you might just want to move in with grandma, rather than repeat the ordeal at the end of the holidays. I’m sure grandma won’t mind. The Holidays During a Pandemic
If you chose to drive, there’s also many things to look forward to. Approximately 120% of the country has decided to drive to grandma’s this year, no matter how far, to avoid the problems with flying. Many folks have even invested in RV’s to travel around the country, to avoid staying in Covid-infected hotels for trips that take more than one day. So, you can imagine the traffic problems when the entire country decides to go out for a long drive all at once. The Holidays During a Pandemic
The federal government recommends that if you do stay in a hotel, you try to find a room that the hotel guarantees no one stayed in the night before, to avoid potential Covid exposure. Good luck with that. Then there’s the wearing of the mask inside, the spraying of the room with disinfectant, wiping down all surfaces with disinfectant, sterilizing the bathroom with a flame thrower, and definitely NOT joining everyone else at the breakfast buffet, also known as Covid-central. On the bright side, not eating while traveling to avoid Covid infection could potentially provide a source of weight loss for those inclined to overeat during the holidays. The Holidays During a Pandemic
The federal government has provided us with a couple of additional things to make our holiday travel even more enjoyable. For example, gasoline prices have gone up to well over $3.00 a gallon, as opposed to $2.00 a gallon last year. Furthermore, for some unknown reason, the braindead elite inside the Washington Beltway have decided to fund improvements in the country’s infrastructure, which would normally be a good thing. However, this type of road construction is usually done in the summer. The Holidays During a Pandemic
This year, my family’s experience is that someone decided it would be a great idea to tear up many major highways for reconstruction/repair over the holidays. In my family alone, this has managed to turn one 8-hour trip into an 11-hour ordeal, and another 11-hour trip from NYC to North Carolina into 18 hours of pure hell. If we’d had an RV, we might have just parked in someone’s front yard for a couple of days. Probably would have been easy to find an empty house, since everyone’s on the road. The Holidays During a Pandemic
Then there’s the company holiday party. Many states have opened up since the delta Covid variant started to subside, just in time for good old omicron to show up…they should rename this one the santa-cron variant. So, for those companies having in-person Christmas parties, there are some things that might be different. The Holidays During a Pandemic
For example, that open bar can be handy for hand sanitizing as well as getting on your holiday buzz. Since you’re supposed to wear a mask inside again, you might want to poke a hole in the mask so you can slide a straw through; useful for drinking most alcoholic drinks unless they contain whole fruit. Also it’s tough to suck that olive through a straw, and I’ve always loved gin martinis with at least five olives. Then, you’ve gotta be very careful who you kiss under the mistletoe. First, how the hell do you kiss someone with a mask on? In addition to that, there’s the potential angering of your spouse if you kiss someone else, and you might also catch Covid. So, there’s that. The Holidays During a Pandemic
There’s also poor Santa Claus. The good news, he probably doesn’t have to wear a mask while in flight. However, it’s unclear to me whether or not reindeer act as an animal reservoir for Covid, which could really make it hazardous for Santa’s home at the North Pole. More to the point, will the president require Santa to provide a vaccination card and wear a mask before being allowed over U.S. air space and to deliver presents chimney to chimney? Santa will also have to be careful with those milk and cookies, as they could be infected. And, will he wipe down each wrapped package with disinfectant as he places them under the tree? The Holidays During a Pandemic
It’s unclear to me whether Dr. Fauci is the villain (did his NIH institute fund the lab in Wuhan?) or the hero (he’s certainly taking credit for saving the world from Covid). Since he clearly believes he’s the world expert on Covid (wear a mask, don’t wear a mask, it’s infectious, it’s not infectious, the virus will burn itself out, or be here forever…), and he’s a legend in his own mind, perhaps he should don a Santa suit and do the honors this year. I’m sure Santa could use a break. The Holidays During a Pandemic
This leaves the issue of what to get friends and family for Christmas. I’m giving all my close friends and family toilet paper. If omicron gets much worse, tp is certainly one of my highest priorities. Other thoughtful gifts might include a case of hand sanitizer, spray disinfectant, a flame thrower for those really hard to sanitize areas, or perhaps a HAZMAT suit, expensive but probably worth it. Holidays During a Pandemic
It’s just a matter of time before the president mandates that everyone wear a HAZMAT suit if they want to enter Washington, DC, or fly, or go to school, or get out of bed in the morning…well, you get the idea. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea, just kind of inconvenient. My favorite gift would be a bottle of Tanqueray gin, useful for sterilizing both my insides and my hands, not to mention it tastes great with five or more olives. The Holidays During a Pandemic
The guy who likes Christmas the most is probably Jeff Bezos, president of Amazon. His e-commerce company has taken over the world, putting most small businesses, large businesses and even Santa out of business. Amazon sells everything from thimbles to cars to sex toys (one of my much younger friends told me that). If it exists, Amazon either sells it, or is about to invent it. The Holidays During a Pandemic
Bill Gates, another billionaire, has a humongous home that includes an aquarium with a whale in it. Bezos is getting so rich that screw the aquarium…he’s gonna outdo Gates by just buying the ocean. Then he won’t need an aquarium. I’m actually grateful for Amazon, because I kinda like ordering crap on my computer and having it show up at my front door next day. A whole new cottage industry called porch pirates has sprung up based on Amazon. God forbid Amazon’s computers should crash this time of year, because the poor porch pirates would be out of business and we’d have to move Christmas to July. The Holidays During a Pandemic
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! Stay safe, don’t go anywhere, don’t eat anything, don’t breathe, don’t go near anyone else, and for God’s sake do not sit on Santa’s lap, and you’ll be fine. The Holidays During a Pandemic
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