Since it’s almost the 4th of July, I thought it would be appropriate to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA, Does Anybody Know What the Hell’s Going On? I am a patriot, I love America, and I’m an old guy who finally has the time to keep up with current events. What I have discovered disturbs me deeply, not because of what’s happening in the country or the world, but because no one actually seems to know what’s happening. Happy Birthday America
I am a retired pharmacologist, and when I try to watch or read the news I’m reminded of the 1960’s when hallucinogenic drugs were popular. I begin to feel woozy, out of touch with reality, like my old college buddies described in the sixties when they popped a tab of LSD. (I preferred beer myself, although drug use was rampant back then). Happy Birthday America
Anyhow, today there should be a warning at the beginning of each TV news broadcast that says something like “Warning, this show is designed for the soul purpose of scaring you to death”, or “Warning, this show is likely to cause seizures in even the healthiest of people”, or preferably “Warning, this show contains more bullshit than a cattle ranch in Texas”. Happy Birthday America
Whenever I fall down and hit my head, sometimes resulting in my making the fatal mistake of watching the news or reading a newspaper, I become convinced that either a) everything is now politicized by the criminally insane, b) most news reporters are lunatics, c) all news reporters are lunatics, or d) all news reporters are required to take a daily dose of hallucinogenic (see previous paragraph). No, really, it’s that bad. Happy Birthday America
There is literally nowhere one can go to find out what is actually going on, regardless of the subject. For example, we just spent the last four years with a president who had the borders under control, had the country under control, and had his bowels under control. Happy Birthday America
Or alternatively, the country was completely overrun by Mexico, some artificial intelligence in the form of an autopen ran the country for the las four years, and the president couldn’t find his way out of the White House bathroom. All of this has been reported by someone, it cannot all be true, so how am I supposed to know what’s really happening? Happy Birthday America
Then there’s Iran, which I think is still a country in the Middle East notorious for hating Jews and Americans. Either that, or it’s just a made-up place on the world map in the game of Risk. I’m not so sure anymore. Anyhow, according to the news the United States recently became involved in an argument, skirmish, tiff, arm wrestling match, or perhaps war with them…again unclear. Happy Birthday America
Apparently, the current president of the US ordered the military to throw a rock at them, hit the Ayatollah in the head, and he got confused and believes that someone tried to destroy his nuclear program and completely missed. Or alternatively the president of the US blew Iran’s nuclear program all to hell. Based on our current state of news reporting, I honestly don’t know which is true. Happy Birthday America
I am old, and I lived through the so-called Cold War, where the USSR, a once powerful communist country, tried to outspend the United States in building an arsenal that could destroy the entire world an infinite number of times. Communism was bad, evil, nasty, not good…you get the idea. Happy Birthday America
Today I swear I heard on the news that either New York City has been invaded by communists, or they are about to elect a mayor who is a communist, or the current mayor can’t spell the word communist. God, this stuff is so confusing. Doesn’t anyone out there know what’s really going on? Happy Birthday America
There’s also this thing called…I’m not exactly sure…an illegal immigrant, an illegal migrant, someone who came into the country illegally but we should just ignore, a migrant who is just passing through illegally? According to the news media, either they don’t exist or there are a bazillion of them, they are all armed gang members with machetes and if I walk out my front door one of them will chop off all my parts. I don’t know whether to hide in the basement or go to the grocery store (actually my wife usually does that, so I guess I’m safe). Happy Birthday America
One source even reported that it’s only a suggestion that people should not be allowed in the country without the proper immigration procedures and paperwork; it’s not really a law. One thing I do know, if I try to walk around Mexico or Canada without a passport, I will get a free pass to the nearest jail. So again, I’m kinda confused. Happy Birthday America
Then there’s our sainted federal government. Talk about confusing news. It’s either okay, or not, for a federal judge from any state in the land to tell the president he has to wear underwear. Congress is in the process of passing a major new funding bill that will either increase the national debt by a kajillion dollars or sell California back to Mexico. God, I’m so confused. The Supreme Court also apparently recently ruled that the president can deport everyone from New York City, regardless of race, creed, color, gender, religion, or whether or not they are a US citizen…not to mention all the communists, or not. This is part of that checks and balances thing. Happy Birthday America
I even heard one news report that Congress just passed term limits for the Senate and the House; they can only serve for 150 years or life, whichever comes first. Maybe there’s still hope, since I think the average Congressperson’s age is like 86 and half of them are serving from nursing homes. Again, this depends on which news media you choose to watch. Happy Birthday America
Again, as an old guy I was born just after WWII, the war where we, America, supposedly saved the world from that lunatic Adolph Hitler, who hated the Jews and wanted to eliminate them. That seemed to me like a kind of evil thing to do. Today if you listen to the news, you’re supposed to either hate the Jews, love the Jews, there’s no such thing as a Jew. Furthermore, the Jews have been at war with Iran (see above) since the Big Bang (the beginning of the universe, not the TV show). Happy Birthday America
According to which newsfeed you listen to, depending on who was president at the time the US either gave all our money to Israel, gave all our money to Iran, or Congress just lied and stole all our money to buy themselves even more mansions, limousines, yachts, and donuts (I happen to really like donuts). Happy Birthday America
The most confusing part of all this is that when I listen to the news, each and every reporter seems to truly believe what is coming out of his/her mouth. I have my own theory on that. Either they are all lunatics, and the current administration should be building mental institutions specifically for anyone choosing to work as a reporter. Or alternatively, perhaps Congress should pass a law (I really am hallucinating) making it illegal for a reporter to lie, punishable by the death penalty. Happy Birthday America
It also seems to me like the news today is designed to scare hell out of people, or to create influencers (also a scary concept). We now have 24/7 news stations, and social media never sleeps. The more they scare you, the more you become addicted to adrenaline, and the more you want to watch or read about the latest disaster, whether factual or fictitious. Happy Birthday America
It’s almost impossible to feel safe anymore, what with potential Iranian nukes, illegal immigrant gangs in the basement, violent protests breaking out on every street corner, exploding EVs, airplanes falling out of the sky for no reason, and our country being governed by 80-year-olds from nursing homes. Where can one go to be safe, even in America? Happy Birthday America
In any event, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA. You’ve been here for 249 years (if my math is correct), and you’ve survived a lot. I myself have been around for the Korean War, Viet Nam War, the Cold War, the Middle East has been at war forever, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Nixon and Watergate, various Clinton fiascos, Nine-Eleven, the recession of 2008, Covid, and on and on. America, somehow, you’ve survived them all, and you’re still here. Happy Birthday America
As I look back over seventy years of life, if I’m honest I didn’t really know what was going on back then either. It just seems to me like there used to be a lot more factual news, and a lot less spin. Maybe reporters today really are all lunatics or get paid a lot to read a script written by some rich old dude. Or perhaps I really am hallucinating. There was a movie once, I think it was called Wild in the Streets, where society put old people out to pasture and force-fed them LSD to keep them happy and out of the way. Perhaps that’s why I’m so confused. I’ll have to watch the news tonight to find out. Happy Birthday America
If you like to laugh, you will enjoy my comedy murder mysteries. Dr. Jason Longfellow, PI and his nurse wife Chelsea are a hilarious hot mess. He’s a dysfunctional wannabe PI, while she’s one badass detective. You can get those books at johnjjessop.com. And much like in real life, as you progress through the Dr. Jason Longfellow, PI and Nurse Wife Chelsea series, the underlying theme is that this PI duo is just trying to find a safe place to live and raise their children. Happy Birthday America
For example, in the latest book HOLY CRAP, they move to a small city named INTOXICATION JUNCTION and enroll their kids in a private Christian school. What could possibly go wrong? At least when you read this book, I promise you nothing is factual, everything is made up from my overactive imagination, and it is entirely safe to read the book. Happy reading!