Now for the conclusion of ‘City Versus Country, Part 2, Which is Safer Place to Live’. Last week our heroes, (sorry, I sometimes get carried away), my family had fled the city/suburbs and moved to a peaceful mountain lake in the country under the perfectly reasonable assumption that it would be a peaceful, serene, safe place to live. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but perhaps we were delusional. City Versus Country Part 2
First sign of danger, the bear. We had moved to a small development and lived in one of only three houses on the cul-de-sac at that time. The owner of one of the other lots decided to build. When they put in the foundation and added the tar to waterproof the walls, a black bear paid them a visit. He got tar on his feet and visited the cement slab outside our carport to scrape it off. We found bear prints in tar all over the place. Then we started paying more attention and noticed black bear every time we took the garbage to the community bin. No pit bulls but wrestling a black bear did not sound like the epitome of safety. City Versus Country Part 2
Then the snakes showed up. It started with a couple of black snakes that had become accustomed to hunting on our lot before we built our house. I was working in the back yard on the hill down by the lake, when I heard one of my daughters yell at me from the deck. She sounded the alarm that I was about to be attacked by two snakes. I turned around, and sure enough, two large black snakes were headed in my direction. They did not appear to be concerned about me at all. I knew from my grandparent’s farm that black snakes are basically harmless, and good to keep around because they eat rodents and other poisonous snakes. So, I beat a hasty retreat onto the deck and left them alone. City Versus Country Part 2
Then we were introduced to copperheads hiding in the piles of leaves and aggressive water snakes that hung out near our dock. I ended up doing what most country folk there did, buying a small revolver, and some snake shot. I left the black snakes alone and dispatched the poisonous and aggressive ones as necessary. Whenever our daughters went swimming, I sat on the dock doing snake duty. (My wife and daughters weren’t concerned about the bears, because they could all outrun me, but with the snakes I was their hero). City Versus Country Part 2
The most dangerous and horrifying things in that peaceful countryside turned out to be deer and squirrels. I know, sounds crazy. Bambi and furry-tailed, tree-climbing rodents don’t seem all that scary. Surprised us too. City Versus Country Part 2
The problem with the deer had nothing to do with their being voracious meat-eaters, viscously attacking humans. That would be a werewolf. The issue turned out to be that there was a bazillion of them, everywhere. If you planted anything, they would eat it. They also carried Lymes disease. But most important, herds of them insisted on crossing the country roads directly in front of your vehicle, especially at dusk. City Versus Country Part 2
These creatures appeared bent on committing suicide explicitly to take out your car, and anyone in it. On several occasions, I swear that a deer raced across a field in an attempt to cross the road in front of my vehicle. Every vehicle we owned while living there had an encounter with a deer, including the used cars I bought my daughters when they got their licenses. My wife and I even had a deer run into the side of our SUV as we were driving down the road 70 MPH. I still can’t figure that one out. He must have been training for the Olympics. Fortunately, we never had any family fatalities due to deer attack, but our auto insurance went through the roof. City Versus Country Part 2
The huge numbers of deer resulted in another danger. The local government decided to allow bow hunting for deer in the neighborhoods in our development a couple of weeks a year. So, if I decided to take a walk or a bike ride during those two weeks, I needed to wear an orange vest or risk being skewered by an arrow. This hazard was not limited to deer. There were also huge flocks of geese that left small mountains of poop on people’s docks. The same brilliant government officials decided to allow goose hunting in the neighborhoods a couple of weeks a year. So, if you took your boat out during that time you had to dodge shotgun pellets from the hunters firing from their boats while bouncing around in the wakes of other boats. City Versus Country Part 2
The squirrels were the worst. One morning I got up early and took my pontoon boat out to go fishing. I got about a mile from my dock when my engine died. This had not been planned into my morning. When I lifted the rear cushion that covered the gas tank, a squirrel jumped out and ran to the other end of the boat. A squirrel family had set up house in the compartment, and one of them had chewed through my gas line. Fortunately, I had my emergency oar, and I paddled home. I got lots of exercise, but I didn’t catch any fish. City Versus Country Part 2
Turns out, squirrel teeth keep growing indefinitely. They have to chew on stuff to grind them down, since squirrel dentistry is not a thing, at least not yet. While we lived there, the squirrels also chewed through the brake line of our Honda Fit, the bottom of our kayak, chewed siding off the boat house, and chewed on several deck chairs. Our neighbor almost died when he came down for the weekend, took his pickup truck to go get groceries, and discovered a squirrel had chewed through his gas line. Fortunately, he smelled the gas dripping on his engine before it exploded. He and I ended up going to war with the squirrels. We both bought pellet guns, but we were so heavily outnumbered it was hopeless. City Versus Country Part 2
One bright note, Herman the hawk. At one point I found a baby hawk under our back deck, fighting with his reflection in our sliding glass door. I shooed him away, but he must have taken a shine to me. Several months later Herman had grown up and spent much of his time swooping down and harvesting squirrels off our lot. Herman got fat, and we had fewer squirrels chewing on our stuff. So, in all fairness, all the wildlife there did not try to kill us. Herman turned out to be a good friend. City Versus Country Part 2
Finally, there came the invasion of the coyotes. To this day, I’m not sure where they came from, or why there were so many. We were told that coyotes had moved into the area, and we should keep our cats, and small children, inside, especially at night. I went out and bought a bigger gun, but never really got the chance to use it. Those coyotes were way better at surviving than the Road Runner cartoons would lead you to believe. I would see one every once in a while, but only the rear end with scraggly tail as the animal stealthily fled into the underbrush. By the time the coyotes showed up, all but one of my daughters had reached their daunting teenage years, and no coyote would have had a chance one on one. We did keep the cats inside, though. City Versus Country Part 2
We didn’t experience much danger from humans in the country, with the exception of an occasional discourteous boater. There were some drugs in the school system, although apparently not nearly as bad as in the city. The worst was a neighbor who moved there from the city and thought it a great idea to feed the wildlife. Thanks to him, there even more deer and mega-pooping geese. Then there were the deer and goose hunters that the local county government turned loose on us. Other than that, most of the dangers in the country came from the local wildlife. Sometimes it seemed like they were angry, at war, trying to take back the wilderness lake from the invading humans. But then I always like a good conspiracy theory. City Versus Country Part 2
So, to summarize, most of the dangers in the city came from human beings, crowds, horrible traffic, drugs, prostitution, home invasions, and kidnappers. When the city became too scary, we moved to the country, to a peaceful mountain lake, hoping for safety and security. To our surprise, we found attack deer, attack squirrels, poisonous snakes, attack bear, attack coyotes. The main human factor included the county government that unleashed deer and goose hunters into our neighborhood, but they weren’t there to attack us. It was fine, as long as none of us ran around wearing antlers, or making deer or goose sounds, or went outside. City Versus Country Part 2
Based on the title of this blog post, you probably thought I was going to tell you which was safer, living in the city or the country. Silly you. Actually, neither of them turned out to be particularly safe. We had assumed that the country, in this case a peaceful mountain lake, would be much safer. Not so much. City Versus Country Part 2
Remember that folk song. “Blow up your TV, throw away the paper, move to the country, build yourself a home. Have a lot of children, feed them all on peaches, go find Jesus, do it on your own.” It’s clear that this song suggests country living is best, most peaceful, the safest. Perhaps we should have eaten more peaches. City Versus Country Part 2
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