My wife and youngest daughter, now 32, went north to Alaska, without me. Allow me to complain…I mean explain. I am an old man with arthritic knees and a bad back. There’s also a need for a second knee surgery. But I’ve already had enough surgeries, and I get around okay by icing the thing every morning. Aging is hard on everyone, and I must confess that I’m struggling with the limitations at this point. North to Alaska Without Me
When I look in the mirror, I expect to see the young man that used to play basketball almost every day, running up and down the court like a maniac. But that’s not who’s looking back at me. Some wrinkly old dude took his place. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m in no shape to trapse around Alaska, my wife and daughter still are, and so they went without old dad. North to Alaska Without Me
At first, I was okay with the idea. When my daughter proposed a trip to Alaska, it was me who said, “Mom would probably love to go with you.” I’m such an idiot. Apparently, my mouth has a mind of its own, and spits things out well before my brain has a chance to think them through. After they both agreed and began planning the trip, my brain started to catch up. North to Alaska Without Me
Here I was, sending my wife, in her early seventies, off on a trip to Alaska with my youngest daughter. Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter and trust her. But back in 2016 I took a 30-day, 7600-mile cross-country trip with her. I had a toothache at the beginning, and we had to stop in Louisiana where I had a three-hour root canal North to Alaska Without Me
Next day I woke up in serious pain and suggested we might turn back. She looked me in the eye and said, “Get in the car old man. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and we’re going to finish it.” Turns out she was right, and that trip turned out to be one of the highlights of my life. She’s always been smarter than me. But she is also a tough and determined traveler who fills every second of the trip with one activity or another. Did I mention my wife is in her seventies, and it’s Alaska. I was having second thoughts. North to Alaska Without Me
My daughter is also an excellent trip planner. She put together a very full seven-day itinerary while in Alaska. There was no reason for me to be involved in the planning. But I did hear a couple of things like ‘helicopter ride”, ‘hiking on a glacier’ and ‘taking a dog sled ride’. It’s not my daughter’s style to sit in comfort on a luxury cruise ship and view the glaciers and other scenery. She likes to get involved in the local culture. Did I mention my wife and I are in our seventies? North to Alaska Without Me
It came time for them to leave. I drove my wife to the airport. Her trip began with a six-hour delay in Jacksonville airport. We texted each other periodically. I must confess, it was my hope that the plane would never leave, the trip would be canceled, and my wife wouldn’t fall out of a helicopter flying over a glacier. (My mind tends to wander towards the disaster end of the spectrum). Did I mention my wife is in her seventies, and gets air and seasick? North to Alaska Without Me
No such luck. The plane finally took off; they met in NYC and took the eight-hour flight to Anchorage next morning. This is where I got the bright idea to use the ‘FindMy’ app to follow my wife on her adventure. Again, I wasn’t thinking straight. As someone already worried about my wife and the things she and our daughter had planned for the trip…turns out in this case ignorance really would have been bliss. North to Alaska Without Me
The ‘FindMy’ app is incredibly detailed when it comes to tracking a loved one with a cell phone. Their plane landed, they got a rental car, and drove to Seward, Alaska for the night. From the app, it looked like there were only three main roads in all of Alaska, and lots of wilderness. As I watched their car travel from Anchorage to Seward, I imagined all kinds of horrible things. It looked like the ideal place for Big Foot and his family, or an entire coven of grizzly bears, to set up camp. I only saw a couple of other cars on the road, so they appeared to be quite isolated. North to Alaska Without Me
As the father of the family, I have always felt it’s my job to protect my wife and children. Problem is, at this stage in life with screwed-up knees and a bad back and shoulder, I wouldn’t be much use at fighting off Big Foot or a grizzly bear. Even an angry squirrel could probably cause me major problems. My only chance of saving them might have been for me to lay down and let the attacking creature eat me. I’m six foot seven and well over two hundred pounds, so I’m pretty sure by the time Big Foot ate me all up he’d be full and would have left them alone. Miraculously they arrived safely in Seward and spent the night. North to Alaska Without Me
They were pretty good about texting me to let me know they were still alive. Their first day in Alaska my daughter took a cruise to see glaciers. Due to my wife’s seasickness, she passed on the cruise and went to a sea life center, basically a zoo. They also took a short hike to an overlook together where they saw the Exit Glacier. Didn’t sound all that dangerous either. I felt much better. This sounded reasonably safe, and at the end of the day they hadn’t been eaten by Big Foot or a huge bear. I began to relax a bit. North to Alaska Without Me
The next day they drove along the Seward Highway to Girdwood. This is where they were supposed to take a helicopter ride up to a glacier and go on a dogsled ride. I was relieved to hear that the glacier was fogged in, and instead they went to a wildlife preserve. Again, this sounded reasonably safe, kind of like going to the zoo again. Then they sent me photos of the huge moose and grizzly bears in the wildlife center. While these wild animals were trapped behind a huge wire fence, panic started to set in again. I realized they had already hiked up to see the Exit Glacier, and I’m sure there are hungry grizzlies in the woods everywhere. And I wasn’t there to protect them by acting as bear food. North to Alaska Without Me
The next day was my daughter’s birthday, so they stayed at some fancy place with a spa. They treated themselves to a day of massage, jumping in cold and then hot water, that kind of thing. This sounded reasonably safe, although what if the masseuse had extra strong hands and broke a bone. Osteoporosis does set in as we age. At the end of that day, it appeared the only danger was they might have been too relaxed and slept through dinner. Even I wasn’t too concerned. North to Alaska Without Me
The day after the spa they drove to the Matsu Valley where they hiked on the Matanuska glacier. When my wife told me this was the plan, I had another panic attack. I imagined my elderly wife using crampons on her feet and ice axes in her hands to climb an ice wall to reach the top of the glacier where they would then hike. Watching her on the ‘FindMy’ app didn’t help, because it showed her cell phone in front of a glacier, then on top. North to Alaska Without Me
So, my fears were real. That night they called me on the phone, and apparently in reality they had approached the glacier from some state park, walked down a path (probably laden with hungry grizzlies), across a small bridge, and onto the glacier; no scaling a wall of ice. My wife told me the glacier was more gravel than ice, although they did have to wear some kind of spiked shoes as part of the guided tour. North to Alaska Without Me
I finally calmed down when I found out my wife hadn’t actually scaled a wall of ice. The next day they drove to the town of Talkeetna, where they toured a birch syrup manufacturing plant. They also met the town mayor, who apparently is a cat. Fortunately, it was a friendly cat, so no danger there. I was a bit concerned that one of them might fall into a vat of birch beer but figured they could handle it after hiking on a glacier. North to Alaska Without Me
But the next day I was watching them on the ‘FindMy’ app when my wife’s cell phone appeared to leave the road. In fact, it left the earth completely and went airborne. At that point, I turned off ‘FindMy’. I had a bad feeling. The fogged in glacier had cleared, and they must have been taking a helicopter up to the top for a dog sled ride. North to Alaska Without Me
I write and publish comedy mysteries for fun, and in my last one the main character fell out of a helicopter. So that type of disaster was already on my mind. Plus, my wife gets deathly air sick. Panic set in again. And a dog sled ride? What if the dogs were hungry? And the woods were probably full of hungry grizzly bears, who are probably drawn to dogs as a snack. My wife would be sitting on the sled just behind the running four-legged grizzly bear snacks. Having a wild imagination is great for writing novels, but not so much for envisioning disaster related to your loved ones. North to Alaska Without Me
Then next day I turned the ‘FindMy’ app on again. I’m apparently a glutton for punishment. I found my wife’s cell phone at a tram station. It got on a tram and headed up a very tall mountain. I did a quick google search and discovered that this tram went all the way to the top of Alkeyska mountain. My wife, did I mention she’s in her seventies, also has a strong fear of heights. North to Alaska Without Me
My mind immediately went to the absurd; my daughter was planning for them to take a zip wire back down from the top of the mountain to the tram station below. Was there actually a zip wire there? I have no idea, but by then my imagination was out of control. All I could see was my wife zipping from the top of that mountain to the tram station below at a very high rate of speed. I turned off the ‘FindMy’ app again to avoid seeing this terrible disaster. North to Alaska Without Me
By now I was a nervous wreck. Then on their last day there my daughter texted me that they were going in search of a polar bear. This did not sound good. To my mind, the only creature that would like to snack on an elderly woman more than a grizzly would be a polar bear. And my daughter was safe; she can outrun Mom. Panic struck again. I tried texting them to ask which part of that desolate wilderness they were traveling to in search of a mom munching polar bear. I wanted to tell them not to do it, but in my experience with my wife and daughter that’s the best way to guarantee that a thing will happen. North to Alaska Without Me
I turned off the ‘FindMy’ app again, terrified of what I might see. That thing is so accurate that you can actually see cars on the road, of which there are only three in all of Alaska. And they all lead into desolate wilderness full of large furry, hungry beasts. I spent the day in panic mode, trying to find a comedy movie to watch on TV to take my mind off my family being eaten by a polar bear. Finally, later that evening my daughter texted me and told me they had actually seen a polar bear. Once my heart started pumping again, I spit out “Are you guys okay? Is Mom okay? You didn’t leave her behind to be eaten, did you? Please tell me she’s okay.” North to Alaska Without Me
At that point my wife texted me a couple of photos of the polar bear. It was in the zoo where they had spent most of the day. It appeared to be a very cute lady polar bear swimming in a large pool and playing with a ball. Strangely, that bear looked more like a friendly cartoon character than a man…or woman-eater. I suggested that they might have told me they were hunting polar bears in the zoo. I also discovered that there aren’t any polar bears in Alaska around the Anchorage area. They apparently stay along the northern and western coast along the Arctic Ocean, Chukchi Sea, and Bering Sea. My cardiovascular system had a real workout that day, and I’m also in my seventies. North to Alaska Without Me
Next day the Alaskan explorers traveled home without incident. As I look back on it, my wife and daughter had a great time, and I’m happy for them. As for danger, in all honesty I now think that I was in more danger than them. In my seventies with an overactive imagination, I was more at risk of some sort of cardiovascular event than my two rugged explorers were of being eaten by a bear, or wolf, or rabid squirrel. North to Alaska Without Me
After this experience, 1) I’m never going to use that damned ‘FindMy’ app again and 2) if I ever go to Alaska, I’m going to take one of those luxury cruises where you sit on the deck drinking heavily and enjoying the view. At this age I’m not particularly fond of the idea of trapsing around in the vicinity of person-munching grizzly or polar bears, even if they are behind a fence or in the zoo. And the next time my wife and daughter go on an adventure, I might get myself one of those prescriptions for medical marijuana, so I can relax and keep my blood pressure under 250/100 and my heart rate under 1000. Come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea, even if they never travel together again. North to Alaska Without Me
If you got some laughs from this blog post, you might also enjoy my brand-new comedy mystery AIsRYourFriends, staged in the world of artificial intelligence. It’s a mesmerizing mystery with lots of laughs. Go to https://johnjjessop.com/new-comedy-mystery to find the link to buy the book.