Marketing is a mystery to me. I am a Ph.D. pharmacologist who had a long career in drug and biotech development. I never learned anything about selling stuff. Frankly, I do not like advertisements/commercials, whether they’re on TV, online, on billboards, side of buses, park benches, wherever. I do not understand why ads and commercials appeal to anyone. And yet it would be helpful if I could understand marketing. Allow me to explain. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Frankly, advertisements make me crazy. When I’m reading an article online, those pop-up ads make me want to flush my iPhone down the toilet (which would only result in expensive plumbing and phone bills). I can’t stand watching network TV or sporting events without taping them so I can fast-forward through the commercials. It’s currently March Madness, and basketball on TV has devolved to two minutes of basketball for every twenty minutes of commercials. Then there’s watching the referees stare at a monitor trying to decide if one player sneezing on another constitutes a flagrant 1 or flagrant 2 foul, but I digress. If I can’t fast-forward to the action, it ruins the game for me. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Specific commercial content is even worse. I sometimes watch TV while eating lunch or dinner. There’s nothing more fun that a toilet paper commercial showing a freshly wiped animated bear’s ass to go with my sandwich. Or a pharmaceutical commercial about diarrhea treatments, ironically with side effects that also include diarrhea, while I’m eating a bowl of soup. It’s a mystery to me how these ads are supposed to motivate me to run out and buy anything. I actually have an ongoing list of things to NEVER buy based on the commercials thrust upon me. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
I use a pop-up blocker on my phone, but it still doesn’t get rid of all the ads. It’s great fun to be reading an article on a new version of my favorite car in an online magazine, and next thing I know I’m reading about tires, motorcycles, mopeds, sex change operations, you name it. The ads always have a teeny-tiny X hidden somewhere inside, and if you can click it the commercial will blissfully go away. However, I’m 6’7″ tall with large fingers, and old with sometimes shaky hands. So even if I find the tiny X I have no chance of clicking on it. When that happens, I get so confused and frustrated trying to get back to the original article that I just close the app and take a nap. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
I also don’t understand how these ads are supposed to get me to buy anything, with the exception of some of the food ads. I must admit, a video of a big, juicy cheeseburger or a loaded pizza can make me imagine I’m hungry. With the obesity problem in America today, I’m guessing those are some of the most effective ads. But with most ads, I’m not even sure what they’re trying to get me to buy anymore. I especially love the drug ads where everyone is dancing around, looking all energetic and happy, and I’m never sure what disease they’re supposed to have. They usually all look like they’re suffering from ADHD. Based on this, I’m supposed to talk to my doctor about some drug with enough serious side effects to kill a moose. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Then there are the car ads. There are EVs, no gas required, and almost enough range to take your kids to school and back. The 4X4 trucks and SUVs will climb Mount Kilimanjaro, or a telephone pole. And don’t forget the luxury SUVs that you must wear a tuxedo to drive. There’re even special vehicles designed for your dog. But there’s nothing for those of us who just want to go to the store, or the doctor, or the library (is there such a thing as a library anymore?) Worse, new cars start at $40,000 and up, so now you’ve got two house payments instead of one. Perhaps this is designed for when you can’t afford your house payment anymore and are living in your car; now seems like you have only one house payment. I must confess, I’ve always wanted a car that can climb a tree. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
I especially love the ads that try to convince you black is white, cheaper is better. It all started with the car bumper. I remember when car bumpers were made of steel (God, am I really that old?). The ads told us the plastic/fiberglass bumpers were better because they make the car lighter, resulting in better gas mileage. In reality, it meant that the people who bought this nonsense did not fare well in head-on collisions with those who kept their steel bumpers. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
So-called shrinkflation is kind of the same thing. Think about it. You can carry so many more bags of chips with only a few chip crumbs per bag, a carton of a dozen eggs with only ten in it is lighter, as is that gallon of milk with only half gallon in it. It’s all for the benefit of the consumer. And think of how much weight I’ll lose now that my frozen pizza only has five slices in it instead of eight, all for the same old price, of course. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
I can carry so many more groceries when they’re tiny. It only makes good sense to pay more for this convenience. Also, when you carry these groceries home in your car, it’ll be lighter, and give you better gas mileage, if you make it home alive with your plastic bumpers. If they think we really believe this stuff, why don’t they call it ‘marketing for morons’? Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Why am I ranting about marketing? Well, I write murder mysteries. I would like for people to read said books. In order to accomplish this, I need to market the books. I tried a small publisher, but they don’t provide any marketing services to speak of. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
So, I learned how to self-publish through Amazon. I spend a great deal of time and effort at it, and I am proud of the fact that my books are just as good quality as those from the large publishers. Then I tried hiring a marketing expert, but they charge a fortune for their services. And they appear to be so busy you can only communicate with them, well, never. I obviously need to learn how to market my books successfully myself. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
I already do the usual things recommended to authors, like an author website, advertising on social media, passing out business cards wherever I go; my dentist, doctor, chiropractor, ophthalmologist, the cop while he’s giving me a ticket (based on the look on his face, I’m guessing that was a no sale). Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
My best sales occur at book talks/signings where I can talk one on one with potential readers. I love writing, I get great joy from my comedy murder mysteries, they are unique and funny plots, and I can apparently transfer that interest to folks one on one. It’s not as easy when trying to do it in print, especially online. It appears that people online have the patience of a gnat. If one doesn’t grab them in the first sentence, and it must be a very short sentence, they move on to something else. I’ve tried the sentence “Please buy my book”, but that doesn’t work all that well. I guess everyone uses that one. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Anyhow, my comedy murder mysteries have unique plots with laugh-out-loud comedy. I know that second part is true, because I’ve had several readers tell me I have a wicked good sense of humor. And two of them (The Realtor’s Curse and A Fishy Tale) have won 1st place awards for Humor. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
My two main characters are Dr. Jason Longfellow, PI and his nurse wife Chelsea. Jason worked as a doctor for the FDA, got bored, went a little crazy, and got a PI license online to add some excitement to his life. He starts out in ‘PLEASURIA: Take as Directed’ investigating cases on the weekend. His poor wife, Chelsea, is unhappy with him, because he’s not a very good detective, he can’t make any money as a PI, and they have three daughters to support. Since Jason doesn’t want to be a doctor anymore, Chelsea is forced to help him with his investigations. It turns out she likes it and is good at it. They eventually open ‘Chelsea Longfellow, PI and Associate’. Poor Jason is sad, but at least he still gets to be a PI. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Much of the humor in the books comes from the interactions between the two PIs. Jason has no filter between his brain and his mouth, and often blurts out ridiculous things, both to his wife and their clients. He’s also a big-picture guy, with no ability to focus on details, like clues. He’s also easily distractable, especially when it comes to the fairer sex, and Chelsea is the jealous type. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Jason is constantly getting into trouble, and Chelsea has to decide whether to rescue him, or strangle him. But he is the father of their children, she does love him, and at least through the latest book, HOLY CRAP, coming in April, she hasn’t killed him yet. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Much of the humor also comes from the unique plots. I worked in the pharmaceutical and biotech industry for many years, and I have incorporated some of my experiences into the books. Nothing too sciencey, just good fun. For example, in one of the books there is a drug side effect that at first happily knocks your socks off but then continues to do so until you die, a handy tool for a murderer. Another plot involves Jason getting increasingly frisky and more passionate with Chelsea, almost like he was twenty again. She doesn’t mind this turn of events at all, but why is it happening? Strange things can happen when scientists play with your DNA. Then there’s psychotic realtors, unbelievably huge man-munching fish…well, you get the idea. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
In my new book HOLY CRAP, coming in April, there’s even a brand-new anabolic steroid and a unique new treatment for alcoholism (wink, wink). If you like to laugh, you will want to join Chelsea as she works to solve these unique and hilarious cases while trying to keep Jason focused, on task, and alive. And each book is standalone, so you don’t have to read them in any particular order. Marketing Is a Mystery to Me
Now, if I could just figure out a way to successfully market my books. Hey, at least I didn’t throw in any bear bums, gastrointestinal disease, or car commercials. No pop-up ads, or pictures of delicious food, and my books are not shrink-flated (is that even a word?). However, please buy my books. (Did I really say that?) To do so, go to johnjjessop.com for the links to buy the books on Amazon and elsewhere (both eBooks and paperback). Meanwhile, I’m gonna start working on my MBA. Hey, I’m only 70, and those college ads are very convincing.