Covid Conspiracy Theories

Apparently Covid conspiracy theories abound. First, I apologize in advance for attempting to write a humorous blog post about a pandemic that has killed over 6.65 million people worldwide to date. However, I find that if I take life too seriously insanity is sure to follow. Laughter has proven to be the best cure. Covid Conspiracy Theories

I will not, however, apologize for making stuff up as I go. I’m an old guy, and I remember a time when what now passes for news could only be found at the end of the grocery store checkout counter. This included the National Enquirer and similar tabloid publications. These were generally adorned with doctored photos of alien abduction on the front page. So, one might say that I’m just going with the flow. Covid Conspiracy Theories

The main questions with respect to the pandemic are, where did the Covid pandemic originate and how did it start? The answers: apparently, we will never know the truth. Based on the information available on the internet, apparently the CDC, WHO, and who knows whatever other alphabet soup agencies that dabble in public health, came up with several possibilities, but have confirmed none. There is some agreement that the Covid pandemic started in 2019, in Wuhan, China, in one of several possible ways. Covid Conspiracy Theories 

 One possibility involves some clever fellow munching out on a raw bat infected with the strain of virus responsible for Covid-19. This apparently resulted in spreading of the virus from animal to man. Some scientists and public health officials add a theoretical second animal species to the mix, as in bat transmitted to second animal species and then to man. Covid Conspiracy Theories 

A third possibility mentioned by some experts is that Covid-19 was somehow spread through the Wuhan open market in frozen seafood, although apparently there is little evidence to support this. Then there is the theory that Covid-19 is a bat virus that was being studied in a research lab in Wuhan conveniently close to the open market. Supposedly the virus was released into the human population either accidently or on purpose. Again, no concrete evidence. Covid Conspiracy Theories

Apparently we will never know the truth or be able to assign responsibility for this deadly event because a) information coming out of China is suspect, b) information coming out of CDC and WHO is suspect, c) information coming out of some guy named Fauci is suspect, d) information coming out of the US news media is mainly fiction (this is apparently not limited to the pandemic, but includes news in general). Covid Conspiracy Theories 

There is also the possibility that the guy selling those infected bat sandwiches (who knew BLT meant bat/lettuce/tomato?) was well connected, perhaps even mobbed up, and has managed to keep it under wraps. This last one doesn’t seem likely, but like I said, I’m making stuff up as I go. I’m just going with the flow like the current news media. Please note, it’s a lot easier to make shit up than to actually investigate, and a lot cheaper too. Covid Conspiracy Theories

One would think in the case of a pandemic that has killed over 6.65 million people worldwide to date someone would have carried out a rigorous investigation. However, for whatever reason this doesn’t seem to have happened. Since we’ll apparently never know the truth, this leaves a lot of room for conspiracy theories. Covid Conspiracy Theories

At this point I’d like to outline a few conspiracy theories of my own. If any of these seem utterly ridiculous or absurd to you, you’re probably right. As I said, I feel the need to follow the lead of our current batch of “investigative” reporters and journalists and just make stuff up. So, here goes. Covid Conspiracy Theories

The first conspiracy theory involves the pharmaceutical companies. Perhaps they are the easiest to pick on since they often make a lot of money from development of a new drug. (To be fair, I should probably mention here that they also spend a ton of money on developing new drugs). This particular conspiracy theory isn’t even original. I have seen a couple of sci-fi movies with this very same plot. This conspiracy theory involves a theoretical drug company that is in the business of developing vaccines. One of the scientists in the lab wants a promotion, so he gets an idea. Covid Conspiracy Theories

He hires his cousin to travel to Wuhan, China, gobble down some raw bat for lunch, and then run around sneezing on or kissing everyone in sight. This results in the spread of a highly contagious virus, for which this scientist then develops a vaccine. Perhaps he has even been working on a bat virus vaccine in secret before he hires the guy to lunch on raw bat, so he’s ahead of the game. Perhaps it’s a small local vaccine or drug company, and he tells his cousin to only sneeze on or kiss local citizens to contain the infection locally. Or perhaps it’s a large international pharmaceutical firm, and he tells his cousin to sneeze on or kiss everyone, to try to spread the virus around the world. Who knows the truth, especially since I’m making this up as I go. Covid Conspiracy Theories

In any event, all of the bat munching and the sneezing and kissing ultimately results in a worldwide pandemic. So, the vaccine has the entire world as a market, not a bad business model. In the end, the guy gets his promotion, and as a side effect the federal social security fund will last a lot longer in the US (for more, see below). Do I think this actually happened? Absolutely not, it’s absurd. But it would make a good plot for a sci-fi movie. Perhaps the virus could also turn people into zombies. That would be original? Covid Conspiracy Theories

Then there’s my online retailer theory. Maybe there is this online retailer that started out by selling books. Then their owner somehow managed to usurp the US postal service and other major shipping companies, and for a small yearly fee provide free shipping for all kinds of goods. This provided a great business model to compete with giant box stores like Walmart and Target, but something else was needed to reach the next level. Covid Conspiracy Theories

One of this online retailer’s employees could have been visiting Wuhan, China. Perhaps he had family there, or he had heard about the fine cuisine at the local open food market. I probably wouldn’t fly all that way to try the fine cuisine in that particular market. But my wife will tell you that I’m not very adventurous when it comes to trying new things. I’m more of a McDonalds Quarter Pounder and fries kind of guy. Covid Conspiracy Theories

Anyhow, perhaps this particular employee had heard of impending layoffs within the company, was in fear of losing his job, and needed for the company to grow to prevent this. This person may have also had an MBA from an Ivy League school and reasoned that if a worldwide pandemic were to occur, people would no longer be able to go out to the store. This would create a massive worldwide market with optimum conditions for this online retailer to expand into delivery of everything from paper clips to jet skis, with free shipping of course. Covid Conspiracy Theories

This employee quite rightly thought, “Maybe if I eat some of this delicious raw bat, I’ll catch a terrible respiratory virus. Then, if I sneeze on everyone in Wuhan, I just might be able to start a worldwide pandemic that will keep everyone home. Then my company will grow by leaps and bounds, there will be no layoffs, and I’ll get to keep my job.” And so, he did. Covid Conspiracy Theories

Perhaps this seems a bit farfetched as a conspiracy theory, but fear of losing one’s job can do strange things to a person. And keep in mind that a person that would fly all the way to Wuhan, China to eat raw bat probably isn’t all that stable in the first place. Also keep in mind that same theoretical guy may have delivered your latest online purchase to you this afternoon. Most important, keep in mind that this never happened. Like a good investigative reporter, I just made it up. Covid Conspiracy Theories

If you’re going to have a series of conspiracy theories, it’s imperative that you have one involving the federal government. It’s no secret that our current Congress looks more like a nursing home than a governing body for a major nation; so many members in the 70-80+ year-old demographic. Perhaps one of them sits on an important congressional committee related to the social security fund. Perhaps that particular Congressperson recently borrowed massive amounts of money from the fund to build a bridge to nowhere in his/her state, or to fund a new electrical vehicle plant, or a brand-new windmill farm. Covid Conspiracy Theories

Rumor has it that the current social security fund consists of $1.50 plus a whole lot of IOUs, and the government just keeps printing new money to send to old people. Recent studies (I have no idea who did them) have apparently shown that the social security fund will run out of money last week. Therefore, perhaps this Congressperson realized that something needed to be done. (Can ya’ see where I’m going with this?) Covid Conspiracy Theories

It’s possible (anything’s possible) that this Congressperson went on one of those boondoggles…I mean fact finding missions…to China. Perhaps he/she happened to meet someone in the Chinese government from Wuhan who mentioned that a couple of folks from Wuhan had feasted on raw bat and come down with some terrible respiratory disease. Covid Conspiracy Theories 

Maybe that Chinese dignitary even told the Congressperson that there were lots of cases of this respiratory disease already running around Wuhan, and it appeared to be killing mainly old folks between the ages of 65 and 75. Since this Congressperson was over 80, he/she probably figured this wouldn’t be a problem for him/her (studies have shown that cognitive function diminishes with advanced age, or in other words, we desperately need TERM LIMITS in Congress). Covid Conspiracy Theories

So anyhow, perhaps this Congressperson offered a government grant to pay the airfare for anyone from Wuhan coughing their heads off to fly to the U.S. for a friendly visit. This grant perhaps stipulated two free tickets to each of the fifty states, to make sure to cull the herd of social security recipients equally throughout the country. Covid Conspiracy Theories 

The data show that people 65 and older account for 16% of the total US population but 75% of all Covid deaths to date as of November 2022. Oh well, if you can’t balance the budget by controlling spending, one needs to explore other options. Do I think anything like this actually happened? Of course not. But, again, a great plot for a movie. Oh, and that Congressperson did get Covid, but since Congress probably has the best free healthcare in the country, he’s just fine. Covid Conspiracy Theories

My final conspiracy theory is actually a rip-off from Stan Lee of Marvel Comics fame (See the movie Avengers Endgame for more). This conspiracy theory doesn’t involve a super villain, but rather eco-terrorists. I do believe that humans need to decrease pollution, stop eliminating whole species of animals, create an environment where we breath clean air instead of auto exhaust, and the like. But I also think we are already headed in the right direction, and still have some time to fix the problem. (I could be wrong. According to my wife I usually am). Covid Conspiracy Theories

There are apparently those who believe that the world ended yesterday, Florida was completely underwater last week (I should be wearing a scuba outfit while sitting here writing in my living room), and the earth is going to burst into flames tomorrow. I’m all for freedom of thought and speech and could care less what a person believes. It’s just that the eco-terrorist fits perfectly into my final ridiculous Covid conspiracy theory. Covid Conspiracy Theories

It’s possible that, much like Thanos of Marvel Comics fame, some eco-terrorist might have decided that the only way to reduce pollution would be to get rid of half of the human population in one fell swoop. Perhaps that eco-terrorist also happened to have a Ph.D. in virology and a knowledge of major virological findings throughout the world. Maybe this person heard through his colleagues about a respiratory virus that was killing people in Wuhan, China. Covid Conspiracy Theories

Perhaps this scientist also had a taste for raw bat, considered it a delicacy. Hell, the Japanese eat raw fish and puffer fish, and my wife has taken me to Indian restaurants where to this day I have no idea what I ate. In some countries insects are considered a delicacy, nice and crunchy, and pickled pigs’ feet were a popular item in the Midwest where I grew up (I actually liked them lot). So why couldn’t someone have a taste for raw bat? Covid Conspiracy Theories

So maybe this mad scientist (often the bad guy in a sci-fi movie is a mad scientist) traveled to Wuhan, pigged out on raw bat, caught the disease, and used himself as a biological weapon to spread it throughout the world. Perhaps CDC should go back and look for any bat-eating virologists who booked around the world vacations in the critical 2019 timeframe. Anyhow, if this actually happened, that mad scientist did a pretty good job of culling the herd, to the tune of over 6.65 million. Covid Conspiracy Theories

Again, did this actually happen? I seriously doubt it, but it makes an interesting story. There’s already been a movie where Thanos got rid of half of the human race, but in that movie the Avengers brought them all back. Does that make the Avengers the good guys or the bad guys? An interesting philosophical question. Depends on whether or not any of the people that Thanos made disappear was a loved one of yours. But I digress (I do that a lot. Studies have shown that the older one gets, the more difficult it is to focus). Covid Conspiracy Theories

What’s the moral of the story? First of all, when one has a worldwide pandemic that kills millions it might be a good idea to carry out a thorough investigation. Such an investigation might prove helpful in preventing future similar disasters. Furthermore, the lack of answers to the important questions leaves lots of room for ridiculous conspiracy theories. Covid Conspiracy Theories

While none of these ridiculous conspiracy theories are likely (especially since I made them up as I went along), some conclusions are possible (did he really just say that?). For example, if the drug company conspiracy theory were to have actually happened, someone probably would have made some money. Same goes for the online retailer theory. They delivered my jet ski last night. I have no idea how that delivery person got it up the stairs to the front door of our condo. Covid Conspiracy Theories

With respect to the social security/federal government conspiracy theory, who knows how much the elderly deaths due to Covid affected the social security fund? I doubt anyone in the federal government could ever figure it out. It’s my understanding they don’t teach math and science in school anymore, so I doubt they even have the tools they need. And that Congressperson? I’m guessing if that conspiracy theory is true, he/she has since retired and is living in one of his/her seven or eight mansions, flying around in a private jet, and has long since forgotten that he/she ever served in Congress (come on, 80+ years old?). Covid Conspiracy Theories

I’m guessing it’s also difficult to determine what effect the death of over 6.65 million people worldwide had on global warming and climate change. If my eco-terrorist conspiracy theory were to be true (highly unlikely, unless you’re a character in a Marvel Comic book), then hopefully the pandemic pushed back the end of the world by a decade or two. I’m thinking there’s probably no way to ever answer that question, or any of the questions raised in this blog post for that matter. I should probably just stop writing now, go down to the beach, and measure high tide to make sure the water isn’t any closer to my living room. If it is, I need to go buy a scuba outfit, because I’m not moving again. Covid Conspiracy Theories

After spending very little time researching facts to write this blog, and making all of it up as I went, I am pretty sure of one thing. McDonalds should never add anything called a McBat sandwich to their menu, or at least they should only serve it with the meat very well done. Furthermore, this blog post should definitely be filed under the category of fiction. Covid Conspiracy Theories

If you liked this absurd blog post, then you will also enjoy my medical mystery series, including PLEASURIA: Take as Directed, Murder by Road Trip, and the award-winning The Realtor’s Curse. For more and links to buy the books go to