My Wife Needs a Job

I’ve done some crazy things during this year-and-a-half long Covid-19 pandemic, but deciding that my wife needs a job in retirement during the pandemic is, by far, the dumbest. Allow me to explain. My wife needs a job

My wife and I had our 45th wedding anniversary this year, so I figure we know each other fairly well. That makes me well qualified to give her all kinds of advice, right? How am I doin’ so far? (Perhaps at my advanced age senility really is setting in.) My wife needs a job

Anyhow, as with most folks, this pandemic had drastically limited our ability to socialize with friends, go to restaurants, the movies…most of the stuff we used to do to entertain ourselves in retirement. I have my writing to keep me busy, but I noticed that my wife appeared to be getting a bit antsy and bored. So I figure it’s my job to solve this problem. I’m a man, and we’re doers, not thinkers (that didn’t come out quite right). My wife needs a job

I decided to put some serious thought into this dilemma, and I came up with the idea that she should get a job to cure her boredom. My very first job, at age 15, was to work on an ice cream truck. Back in the 1970’s my mother’s chiropractor bought an ice cream truck to generate additional income. He hired his college age nephew to drive the thing, and me to sell the ice cream, milk shakes, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries out of the back. That was probably my all-time favorite job. My wife needs a job

So, my first suggestion for my wife’s new job in retirement included us buying an ice cream truck for her to drive around town and sell ice cream, shakes, banana splits, etc. Should be a big hit in hot old Florida, right? My wife wasn’t too keen on this idea, especially with the obvious ramifications regarding Covid, but I suspected that it also involved the fact that I was suggesting she get a job. (She is retired, after all). I pointed out to her that there are already food trucks out there, vaccination and masks would solve the Covid problem and a job would cure her boredom. But, she still gave me a hard no. My wife needs a job

Then, I had a genius of an idea, an epiphany, if you will, related again to food trucks. When I was growing up in the Midwest, my favorite food included the Frisch’s Big Boy, a double decker hamburger with a wonderful sauce slathered on it. I couldn’t get enough of those things when I was a kid, and I still love them today. In order to sell the Frisch’s Big Boy, one has to buy a franchise. To my knowledge, there are no Frisch’s Big Boy Restaurants in Florida. I love their food. So, this idea was a two-fer, a no-brainer, if you will. She gets a job to keep her busy and I get all the Big Boy hamburgers I can eat. My wife needs a job

I suggested that we approach Frisch’s about buying a franchise for our local area, with the stipulation that we sell the food out of a food truck (to my knowledge Frisch’s currently has no food trucks, just wonderful restaurants that serve great food at a reasonable price). She could hire someone to drive the truck, and she could sell the food out of the back. My wife needs a job

Hell, maybe she could even combine a Frisch’s food truck and an ice cream truck. Now we were cooking with gas. How could she turn down this extraordinary idea? I love Frisch’s food, and she likes ice cream…who doesn’t? Right? She turned down this idea too. I was crushed. I’m sure we could have made a fortune, and it would have cured her boredom. But, I’m no quitter. So, I continued to think about this problem, sure I would solve it for her eventually. My wife needs a job

Then came Thanksgiving, and she prepared us the usual feast. She is a very good cook, and I actually prefer her food to anything one can find in the finest restaurants. She even knows how to make my grandma’s macaroni and cheese, a dish so good it brings tears to my eyes when I eat it. She threw tradition to the wind this Thanksgiving, and prepared steak, french fries, assorted vegetables, and for dessert my favorite, pineapple upside down cake. The food was out of this world, and another excellent idea came to mind. My wife needs a job

I suggested that we buy a food truck, and she prepare and sell upscale food. She could even combine it with a bakery, selling wonderful desserts such as pineapple upside down cake, German chocolate cake, coconut cream pies and apple pie, coincidentally all my favorites. Just think about it, a food truck selling upscale home style food and desserts, a potential gold mine. But, alas, she declined this suggestion as well. My wife needs a job

At this point I must confess that I was baffled. I thought all my ideas were brilliant and couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t get on board. Covid was not a show-stopper; there are standard things she could do to make a food truck safe, what with masks, disinfectants and the like. She was bored, she needed something to do, and I just kept presenting her with these incredible ideas. And, she kept rejecting them. My wife needs a job

Then, one day I saw her crocheting. She showed me a beautiful scarf, a stocking cap and a small baby shirt that she had made. I also caught her quilting at one point, and she showed me a beautiful quilt that she had made and was planning to send to one of our adult daughters. And finally, I caught her in her sewing room, making an awesome blouse, again to be mailed to one of our daughters. My wife needs a job

Then it hit me…screw the food truck idea. We could buy a truck, and she could drive around town and sell scarfs, quilts, blouses and other beautiful clothing that she had made with her own hands. I really wanted that Frisch’s franchise food truck (I really love their food), but I sacrificed and suggested that she do a crafts and garments truck instead. She certainly has the skills for it. I thought for sure I had finally nailed it. My wife needs a job

Then, my wife pointed out to me that if one considers the time it takes for her to make a scarf, blouse or quilt by hand, she would be making around ten cents an hour after expenses. I’m no genius at business, but even I could figure out that would not support the expenses of a truck. So, another brilliant idea was off the table. My wife needs a job

I wasn’t done yet. My wife was bored, and I needed to fix it. So I kept thinking. Let’s see, I write murder mysteries, and I self-publish the ones for which I can’t find a publisher. I also need someone to proof-read my books and do a little editing. Then, there’s all the marketing that I do online. What if I hired my wife to work for me? Wow! I had hit the motherload. I couldn’t wait to propose this idea to her. My wife needs a job   

I made my pitch to her, and she actually laughed. That’s right, she laughed. I couldn’t believe it, until she pointed out the obvious. First of all, she had worked for me once before several years ago as a sort of administrative assistant while she was between jobs. She pointed out that I had been a terrible boss, stressed and grouchy. I wish I could say she was wrong, but… My wife needs a job

Then, there was the fact that, while I sell some books each year, I haven’t yet exactly reached NY Times Best Seller status, and therefore my income from writing books…well…let’s just say it wouldn’t keep us in Frisch’s Big Boy hamburgers for a year…maybe a couple of months. I’m confident y’all will eventually come to love my books and this will change. But, I digress. My wife needs a job

Apparently, my last idea was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My wife pointed out to me that she did not need, or want, a job in retirement. She suggested that if I paid attention, I’d realize that she wasn’t bored at all. She had her crocheting, quilting, sewing, and cooking three meals a day for us during the pandemic. She was actually quite busy. She just missed the social aspects of getting together with friends, going out to restaurants and such. My wife needs a job

At this point she made a recommendation to me. She suggested that if I didn’t stop coming up with stupid…can ya’ believe it…stupid…ideas for her to go back to work, I might be looking to Frisch’s for my three meals a day, and there are no Frisch’s franchises in our area. In other words, I might have to look elsewhere for food. She also suggested I might want to get a second job in retirement to supplement my writing income. My wife needs a job

Let me just say, for the record, that my wife is an excellent cook. She’s very skilled at crocheting, quilting and sewing. She’s not bored, and I’m thinking she probably does not need a job in retirement. More to the point, I’ll mind my own business, work on my books, and enjoy the hell out of those pancakes, eggs, fried potatoes, steaks, burgers, fries, macaroni and cheese, and that pineapple upside down cake, coconut cream pie…well, you get the idea. As for food trucks, since the ice cream truck was my first and favorite job, maybe I should just buy one and run it myself. I could always do my writing between customers. My wife needs a job

If you liked this article, you’ll probably also enjoy my books PLEASURIA: TAKE AS DIRECTED and MURDER BY ROAD TRIP, comedy murder mysteries that look at what can go wrong when doctors play around with your DNA, immune system and cells. (Hint: murder for one thing). For more and links to buy the books, go to